My cousin and I used to have similar mindsets – in fact we’d
feed off each other and encourage each other deeper into the world of destruction
and self hatred, to be ever thinner and thinner.
So today I was doing a little reflecting on the “Old Me” the
one that (I’m struggling not to say “hope”) IS gone forever.
I still get moments pretty much every day where the Old me sneaks
in her self doubt, her nasty remarks, her laziness (and incredible sweet
tooth!!).
Its a tough gig to ditch!! The first time i remember being
self conscience of my weight was when I was 7years old!! I remember refusing to
get on the scales at the doctor during a check up – I remember sitting out the
class at Ballet because my teacher told us all to take off our skirts for bar
work and I refused as I didn’t have tights on underneath to suck in my thighs!!
I ALWAYS remember being envious of other girls and wishing for her hair, her
legs, her flat tummy, her lack of love handles, her pretty face, her perfect
teeth......
I have seen some dark dark times, definitely more dark than
light when it comes to my self image and my self worth. I have missed parties, nights out on the town,
re-unions, numerous events, catch ups and good times, because of the terror I
felt at showing myself to people and simply being paralysed by the perceived opinions
of others. And all that is before even
talking about how I almost destroyed my marriage with my poisonous self
hate.
In so many ways I have come so far, but in many others I
still have a ways to go in believing in myself and acknowledging that I’m not a
hideous beast – because I’m not!!
I popped down to the
corner store today for some bread, I got out my car and there were a bunch of
teenagers sitting around on their bikes blocking the path. I immediately sucked in my abs muscles as far
as I could, put my eyes to the ground and stepped over their bikes and worried
the whole time about what they might be thinking about me. I caught myself out – I thought to myself – I
can’t wait until the end of the round when I will have worked away my “stubborn
wobbly bits” (as I have now dubbed them), and walk through a crowd without
being afraid!! Then I thought - Why not
start right now at kicking my negative thoughts to the curb, the “old me” out
on her arse!! – so I bought my (wholemeal)
bread, turned around, threw my shoulders back, my chin up and strutted back
past the teenagers to my car with my head held high!!
I just have to focus on little things each day that I can do to help me focus and stay positive - I made my mantra for yesterday - "I maintain a positive attitude" becasue the day before the "old me" tangled up my mind so deep in her rotten negativity that I had talked myself out of my ability to complete this next round!! I brought out the old "I'm never going to make it, I can't do it" to my husband... it is SO easy to slip back down. So i just breathed "I maintain a positive attitude" every time I thought a thought derived from the "old me".... it actually worked.
What else worked was taking my before shot - I took one for the beginning of the pre-season and I'll take one at the end to show myself how far I can come in just 4 weeks. I felt terrible in my new bikini, pulling the tiny piece of material that was supposed to cover my bum, fidgeting - HATING it - then my husband took the photos and showed me and I was suprised - Hey I don't look as bad as I thought I did - I CAN do this!! I WILL have a flat stomach at the end of this round!! I WILL have just one set of bum cheeks!!! I was so relieved to see the photos, I forgot to be down that I had put on 500g on the scales since last weigh in!!
So take a look - I've posted them on my "Weigh in Wednesday" Page for all to see (eeekkkk) (be brave Kate) where I will be posting my results from the scales each and every week.
